Being Nice vs Being Kind

How many of you – ladies in particular- were brought up with the messaging of being nice? Not sure as many boys were brought up with the same messaging, however being nice is often highly prized in families with girls. 

I still hear this phrase from parents with young children. “It’s not nice to take that little girl’s toy”. The thing is, “being nice” is often more about the parents concern over how they look as a parent – are they measuring up in the good parent department according to what they perceive their family and friends might think.

And some parents may simply be regurgitating what was said to them all throughout their own childhood.

The issue here is that the subtle message, especially to girls and women, is being nice is the gold standard; it’s required in some families and some circles, to the point of staying silent at times when the very thing that would be beneficial would be to use one’s voice. 

What seems often left out of this scenario is teaching our children (and refreshing some adults) on the concept of kindness.

Because kindness is not about concern of what others think- kindness is what we do for others because it’s the right thing to do.

Additionally, kindness does not make someone question if they should speak up and use their voice – concerned with the perception of what another person might think. ( Am I being nice enough?)

Kindness can be implemented while we are using our voice. While we are setting appropriate boundaries. While we are speaking our truth. We can choose to treat another human with kindness at any time.  We can engage in a kind act, any time. 

Nice is often thought of as passive whereas kindness is active.  We are doing, saying or demonstrating that we see someone and that they matter.  They are worth us taking the time to say or do an act of kindness that will likely make a difference in their day.

What about offering basic kindness to people who are different than you?  Is that something you regularly practice?  How about acts of kindness for those who you don’t know? Is that on your radar?

I attempt to live by this principle.  Each day, to the degree possible, I engage in 3 acts of kindness.

1. I do a kindness for myself.  It reminds me that no matter what others may say, or have said, I am worth caring for. I know my value.

2. I do a kindness for someone I know, whether it’s encouraging words; I see you and you matter to me, or some other random act of kindness.

3. I look for a small kindness I can do for someone I don’t know- holding the door open for the next person at the Post Office, or letting someone come into my lane in traffic, for example.

 We are not going to like everyone. Not everyone is going to like us.  But one thing we can choose daily, is to show up with kindness in the forefront.  Everyone you meet has a story and a struggle.  Now is a great time to extend a hand of kindness- compassion, generosity and consideration.

Consider an act of kindness the next time you are caught up in being nice.  In turn you may discover a feeling of freedom from a word that has held you hostage to beliefs that are not necessarily beneficial.

The world needs more kindness extended. Now is a good time.