How to Know When it's Time to Make a Change

You know that feeling of blah, angst, or just a solid dissatisfaction with the way some things are? You can feel it in your body, and in your brain.  Sometimes it manifests as body aches, or fatigue, or sometimes it morphs into anxiety or depression.  It's that nagging feeling that something in your world is really out of balance, or really not ok.

Sometimes we feel this with a job that we are not well suited for. Maybe we are on a career path that as we've gotten older just doesn't fit well with who we are today.

Other times it's a relationship that feels like square peg, round hole, where no matter how hard we try, the relationship feels stagnant and we are not sure what to do.

Feeling this way is our body and brain's way of getting our attention. 

By the time we notice the anxiety, depression, the dissatisfaction, our body and brain is usually shouting at us.  What started as a thought, and our body whispering, has now morphed into a full on " let me get your attention somehow" and often the somehow has evolved into something quite uncomfortable.

But that's the necessary part.  If we are "too comfortable" we are unlikely to make a change.

And making a change does not necessarily mean we have to leave the job, the relationship, the marriage, etc., though sometimes that can be the best choice for us.

So, what does it mean, and what options do we have to navigate this discomfort in a better way than to ignore it,  try to drown it out or distract ourselves from it. 

• Pay Close Attention to Your Thoughts and Body.  If you are having negative, frustrating, stressful thoughts about a person, a job, a relationship, pay attention. If you notice an increase in muscle tension, headaches, stomach aches, etc. pay attention. Distress can manifest itself in our bodies in surprising ways that you may not have even thought of. So tune in. Be aware and notice ( without judgement, but with curiosity.)

• Evaluate, or Assess the Main areas / Relationships in your Life.  Which relationships generally feel safe, and bring you joy and satisfaction on a regular basis?  What roles, responsibilities, and tasks fill you?  Which people do you look forward to seeing and spending time with, and which ones do you notice you have begun to avoid?  Get honest with yourself.  

• Be Honest what You Have Contributed that is Making Things Worse.  If it is a relationship issue, perhaps you have not been forthright or honest about your dissatisfactions, or learned to communicate them in a way your partner can hear you without inviting defensiveness.  Take responsibility for what is yours, while honestly evaluating whether the job, the friendship or the marriage is something you want to work on.  When we take ownership of something, it often improves because now we are focused on what we can change- ourself.

• Create an Action Plan for the Change You Want and Need.  If you are in the right career field but not at the right job, make a move to start looking for a healthier workplace or a better job fit with the company you are at.  If your  relationship simply feels stagnant, make a list of how you believe it can improve; what you are willing to do differently, and what  you will ask your partner to do differently.

  
  

In the end, the only ones we can fully control or change is ourself... and for most of us, that is a handful!  It is important to get honest with yourself, and not allow yourself to be distracted away from what you don't want to face.  Most things don't improve on their own.  Be sure you have a safe support system for whatever changes you are looking to make so you don't feel you are going it alone. 

Lastly, if your relationship - whether a friendship or romantic relationship is toxic, take a good hard look at what you are enduring and what you are hoping for... if you are unsafe in any way, please seek help so you are not navigating this alone.