Learning to Live Authentically

How many times have you said yes to someone or something, only to almost immediately regret giving a yes?  When every fiber of your being was shouting, “No, I don’t want this,”  your mouth betrayed you as you heard yourself belt out a “Yes”. Or, you may be someone who passively goes along with something you do not want, because you don’t use your voice to speak up.

Does this describe what you do occasionally, or perhaps frequently?  Are you known as the Yes person at home or work?  Your teenager knows that if they come to you with their dirty laundry, you’ll reluctantly give a yes, when you want to say no, because of course you know how busy they are and they just don’t have time… but of course you do… sigh…

Why do we do this? 

For some, it may be family of origin conditioning.  If you witnessed a parent ( often Mom) who did virtually everything for everyone around her, that was your modeling for how to be a woman / mom.   If mom served everyone else to her own detriment, your brain got conditioned that this is the expectation- it’s just "what wives/ mothers do."

For others, the need to be seen and appreciated may have been absent in your home when growing up.  You may have experienced that the only time you felt appreciated or even seen, is when you were doing something for someone else.  If you were not helping, serving, or sacrificing, it felt like you weren’t even there.

Whatever the reason, living opposite of who we are- whether that shows up in the life choices we make, the career we pursue, the life partner we choose… Going against our self generally does not end well, and comes at a price.

The cost is usually our physical, emotional, mental and /or relational health.

Anytime we are saying yes, when we really want to be saying no, anytime we are choosing something because we know it will make our parents or our family “happy”, anytime we have that subtle but strong inclination that what we are doing does not feel like “us”, or feels incongruent with who we are and /or our values, needs, wants or desires, we are choosing a disconnect with our self that has consequences.

For many, the consequences over time manifest in things like high anxiety, depression, low motivation, or consistently making choices that are not good for us.

So, what might it look like to live more congruently; true to ourselves, and to show up more authentically?

Being in alignment starts with some inner work first.  Re- connecting with yourself is a great place to start.  Taking some “cave time” to connect with those parts of you that were lost long ago to the pressure of parental or societal demands, can be an important first step.

Allow yourself to recall a time when you felt lighter, freer, more at ease and content. Where were you? Who was there with you? What were you doing? What was the environment like?

Think back to any decisions you have made that felt right for you, where you honored your own thoughts, needs, values and desires.  What was that like for you?

When we heal and get help for people pleasing; when we realize that our needs, wants and desires matter too, a whole new world often opens up.

When we serve others, it will be because we choose to, not because we feel compelled to, or we worry that others will think badly of us.

When we honor who we are, our own values- which may differ from those around us- we begin to know what it means to live authentically.

For many, this is not an easy transition.  Healing from a life time of people pleasing, and /or caving into pressure from others that we “have to” do what they want, is hard emotional work. 

Some people need to do this work with a professional counselor, therapist, or life coach.

We have found that the journey towards rediscovering your authentic self is a worthwhile pursuit.

Let today be the beginning of being curious and questioning your thoughts and decisions… that you will choose to pause before uttering any more yesses… to ensure that your yes is freely given so that your yes will mean yes and your no will mean no.

Enjoy the beginning of your transformational journey to living authentically!

Need help for the journey? Go to livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health, livewellkitsap.com/refresh-rejuvenate, livewellkitsap.com/live-well, to find counselors, coaches and healers who can assist you!