We are on the cusp of one of my favorite holidays. Thanksgiving is all about family, food, football and fun. Or at least it’s supposed to be the latter, but sometimes being with extended family can be fraught with worry, stress, tension or even anger.
For many, major holidays are the only time we really spend a chunk of time with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins.
If you love all of those people you are in the category of mighty blessed. If all of your family members have similar values, and actually like one another, then you have truly hit the relationship jackpot.
Unfortunately for many, there are too many unresolved family wounds, issues and challenges that can make what is supposed to be a joyous occasion into something more of a chaotic stress fest if we don’t go into the situation feeling equipped.
So how can we bring in more joy and less stress even around difficult family members?
Here are a few ideas for you.
1. If you are hosting any of the major holidays, think in terms of less is best. The fewer food items to have ready all at the same time, the fewer tasks that “have to” be done, the more relaxed and present you can be which is a gift to yourself and everyone else around you.
2. Let go of perfection. People are imperfect. The food or presents for Christmas or Hanukkah may miss the mark. Life is imperfect- instead of stressing about how things “should” be, learn to embrace what is, and to keep the main thing the main thing- spending quality time with people and enjoying it by being present. Make happy and fun memories for the kiddos, and hopefully for the whole family.
3. Head off the majors. In other words, if you have had three Thanksgivings ruined because your uncle throws back one too many and becomes loud and belligerent, head that off by setting boundaries. Instead of the “hint and hope approach” where you hope he won’t drink too much, set some clear boundaries instead. Boundaries are what keep us ( emotionally) safe and you are wise to set them. It might sound like, “Hey Uncle Bob, you are welcome to come and celebrate with us, and we need you not to drink this year. If that works for you, we’ll look forward to your visit.”
4. Control what is yours to appropriately control and let go of the rest. This is easier said then done, however it is so freeing to truly let go of what is not yours to control. For example, if people begin to argue, it might sound like, “hey I’ll need you guys to stop bickering, or please take it outside where I can’t hear it.” What they choose to do is up to them, but you’ve been clear about what is ok/not ok in your home.
5. Don’t allow old wounds to be the topic of conversation. It’s perfectly ok to acknowledge that “it sounds like there’s an issue there for you”, and respond with empathy, but Thanksgiving or Christmas is not the time and place to hash out old wounds, gripes or grievances. And stay away from political conversations while you are at it.
6. Make space and acknowledge those that are no longer here. The first year especially can be difficult when there has been a death in the family. Recognize that instead of putting on a brave face, sharing and acknowledging that you miss that person is understandable and gives others’ permission to share their feelings as well. Sharing what you loved most about your loved one or what you miss is ok too. Have compassion for yourself and others as you navigate the new normal.
7. Decide what really matters to you. It can be helpful to have our priorities in order before visiting with those we don’t see often. Is the priority that the food is fantastic? Or, is catching up with those you love and spending quality time the most important? Consider the needs of your partner, and family as you navigate to get what you and others need.
8. Go into the Holidays with an attitude of gratitude. No matter the challenges- every partnership and family has them, consider how much you have to be thankful for. Remind yourself every morning and every evening for the blessings in your day, and especially identify the things and people you are grateful for before you all get together for family celebrations.
9. Be intentional to self manage before, during and after. You might benefit by pausing before family gatherings to take 2-3 minutes of deep breathing, do a meditation, or engage in some bi lateral tapping. The more you calm and manage yourself well, the better it all goes.
10. Spend more time with those whose company you truly enjoy. While this may seem obvious, the reality is there’s usually at least one annoying family member who asks deeply personal or probing questions. So, make yourself unavailable to spend too much time with that person even if it means bouncing back in the kitchen to help out. Your experience will be less stressful and more enjoyable when you spend the most time with people you perceive to be safe, loving and truly caring about you.
With a little extra planning, good boundaries, utilizing calming techniques and focusing on gratitude, you can choose to make the holidays more enjoyable and less stressful when it comes to family gatherings. Take an active role in controlling what is yours to control and experience the freedom of letting go of all the little things that in the end, really don’t matter.
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