We Don’t Have to Agree to Get Along

Have you felt the divisiveness in this country?  Maybe you’ve experienced it in your own family. You know the conversations where it’s been made abundantly clear that certain family members have strong feelings politically, and your opinion differs from them?

Sometimes you may deal with this by trying to steer clear of political conversations, but then it just takes someone turning on the TV or reading online news and off they go…

It can be difficult, uncomfortable and lonely to have differing viewpoints, especially if you are the lone wolf in a family that is decidedly for one party or person over the other.

You may have lost friendships over differing beliefs – political or otherwise.

But here’s the thing… We don’t have to agree to get along.

I’m not suggesting for a minute you abandon your own strong feelings, viewpoints, values etc. 

What I am saying is that there is a way forward to navigate this that doesn’t have to suck.

It doesn’t sacrifice who you are and what you believe.  It does however require some strategy and self control.

Here’s some things to consider as you deal with family, friends and the extended community around hot topics- especially politics.

1. Get Clear on who the Emotionally Safe People are in your World.  Some people are naturally wired to be argumentative.  For others that’s what they saw and heard in their family growing up so they have simply carried the dysfunction forward.  If someone is prone to consistently taking the opposing side just to argue, that may not be someone you want to spend a lot of time with anyway.  Setting boundaries with this person when you have contact with them will be beneficial. 

2. Make a Choice that the Person and the Relationship is Most Important.   In other words, more than making your point, more than being right, more than anything else, we make a choice that says, this is a fellow human that I disagree with on points A, B and C  and I will choose to love them and treat them with respect though we disagree. 

3. Choose Compassion First. This comes in handy when we consider all the people that we don’t know… people whose political views we just can’t wrap our head around at all… When we realize some people are more gullible then others, some vote off only one issue that is most important to them and they ignore evidence of someone’s character… even in the midst of any of that, we can choose compassion because these are fellow human beings living on planet earth with us… who want largely the same things: To be seen. To be heard. To be loved. Safety for themselves and their families. Let’s focus on what we have in common.

4. Remember we are all from the Same Family … Essentially, the family of humanity.    When you want to be angry with what is going on in the world, in our country, or even in your own family, remind yourself that compassion and leaning in - to crawl into someone else’s world -can go a long way to ensuring we stay humane in our treatment of others who differ from us and who disagree with us.

5. Learn to Set Boundaries Where and When Needed.   That can sound like many things: George, it sounds like you believe “X” and I believe “Y” and I don’t see us having a productive conversation here. So, let’s talk about “Z” instead.

6. When Possible, Be Curious, Engage and Dive Deeper.  I am not suggesting this is the easiest, but it is the most relationship enhancing.   This is something we can only do when we are actively listening and we actually care about the relationship. The priority is to engage and connect vs. trying to convince someone of our views.   We can say things like, “Sounds like you really embrace “X” and I have a different viewpoint… and I’m curious to learn more about how you came to believe “X”.  Will you share with me your journey or what the pivotal moment was for you when you realized…”

7. Respond, rather than React.  This requires self awareness, self control and the ability to be present and aware of your emotions in the moment.  Responding means we are thinking and intentional about how we show up.  Reacting is when our emotional brain is in the driver’s seat and simply knee – jerk reacting to what is going on around us.  This is a great thing to practice in general if you want to have a better life, fewer relationship problems and want to give your children great modeling since kids watch more than listen.

Seek to understand first. Keep the conversation cool, calm and collected. Only after you have really heard the other person, and they FEEL heard, is it beneficial for you to calmly share your differing viewpoints.  Keep the purpose to understand one another more deeply- not to convince. Use I statements to own your thoughts, feelings, values and opinions.

In the end, it is a choice we make every day, whether we engage or label, love or hate, or think of others in an “us or them” kind of way.  The more we remember our human-ness, the more we can be kind and respectful even when we disagree.  We don’t have to agree to be a decent human to other humans. 

We could all use a little more light and love in our world.  Let your light shine for others to see and emulate.