Are you Feeling Dread Instead?

I had a client share with me just last week about his real feelings of sadness and dread around this time of year "when everyone else is so happy and joyful."  His story (the thoughts he tells himself of how it "should be") is why so many can feel alone and deeply saddened at the time of year that they believe they "should be" so happy.

The truth is many people are hurting. Some have lost loved ones; a partner, spouse, parent or child and their heart is still grieving. The holidays are a stark reminder of the missing seat at the Holiday table. Others have experienced loss through breakups, divorce or estrangement and they are still figuring out life and how to move forward with any kind of firm footing. 

Others dread the extended holiday family celebration because of dysfunctional family dynamics. The loud uncle who drinks too much and then starts condemning and criticizing anyone who has different opinions, goals or political beliefs then him.  The sister who demands all the attention and will say or do anything to get it... or the foreboding busy body cousin who inevitably asks the questions you don't want to answer...

No, this is not the happiest time of the year for everyone. For all kinds of reasons.

So, if you find yourself in the camp of distress and dread, know that you are not alone.  

Here's some ways to make Christmas or whatever you celebrate, more at ease, less dreadful and more enjoyable. 

1. Consider what and who really matter to you right now.  While family can be notorious for making demands of their agenda and wants, if you are not feeling it, pay attention to that.  Well meaning comments like "your divorce was over a year ago, or you should have moved on by now", are in fact lacking both tact and empathy.  There is no one size fits all timeline for grieving. So make time and space to attend the invites where safe, loving and empathetic people will be also.

2. Focus on the meaning of the celebration.  We Americans love to turn celebrations into food fests,  football and fun parties but many lose sight of the meaning of why we come together in the first place.  See if you can muster up some gratitude from Thanksgiving, and remind yourself (if you have a faith or a religion) what ( and who) is really being celebrated.  

3. Pause to reflect and become more self aware.  If you are feeling generally anxious or sad lately, and it peaks when you think about spending time with extended family, consider who or what is amping up your anxiety.  If you notice that anxiety goes up when your nosy aunt enters the room, pay attention to that.  Aim to be somewhere other than where she is, change the subject or set a boundary if or when she starts to invade your privacy  with prying into your personal life. You are under no obligation to share anything that you don't wish to share.

4. Boundaries may need to be set with some family members.  Setting boundaries can look like many things.  It may sound like, I can come for two hours on Christmas and then when the games begin, I'll need to leave... Setting boundaries is the way we take care of ourself, and the way that we train others what we are ok with and not ok with.  Boundaries are not selfish- they are essential.

5. Engage in grounding and calming tools as you notice your feelings of sadness, anxiety or dread.  Starting with awareness of when you need to use these tools is crucial.  When you are sad, you may just need space or time alone.  Or, you may be someone that just needs to sit with a trusted family member or friend.  If you are needing more calm and focus to be present, try deep breathing for 2-3 minutes, a technique called havening, or some tapping or bi-lateral tapping.  All of the latter are easy to learn and to do "on the spot" as needed.

   
   

In the end, it is important to remember that many people struggle with difficult emotions around the holidays.  Meeting yourself with curiosity and compassion rather than comparisons of how happy everyone else seems to be, will be important to maintain both a realistic perspective as well as serve as a reminder  to engage in more self care and  nurturing.