Facing Your Inner and Outer Critic

How often have you heard your internal voice screaming, " you idiot, what did you do that for?"  How many times do you experience having a big emotional reaction that surprised even you? And then your inner voice begins to berate you for having that big reaction.  That voice might sound something like, "why couldn't you keep your self under better control?"

How often have you found yourself criticizing someone else who dared to have an opinion that was different from yours?  How often have you gone on to social media and been that person that has a sharp retort to someone else's video or message, when that message was truly benign and not a threat to anyone?

Where does the critic come from, both the inner and the outer critic?  And why do so many people give themselves permission to spew their critical stuff all over the place?  

And is it possible to get back to basic kindness?

This is an issue not only with adults, but is affecting our youth to the point where negative comments and criticism cross the line into bullying with devastating consequences with our children who are taking their own lives as a result.  

How did we get here?  The multitude of factors are likely more than we have space for here, however let's be curious to explore the following possibilities:

You grew up in a critical home with one or more critical parents.  Some children are constantly criticized for their human-ness: making mistakes, spilling milk, or not doing well on a test. Parents who are reactive tend to take the child's actions as a personal slight- ( the internal thinking being "I'm a bad parent because you did____"). They may shame the child for, well, being a kid with a not fully developed mature prefrontal cortex. ( the thinking, rational, able to see consequences part of the brain.) This sets up a kid for anxiety as well as feeling like they can't make a mistake.  They become hyper aware of their slightest flaws in themselves and others, setting them up for their own inner critic voice to emerge both in childhood and adulthood. 

Social Media has given us a platform for our critical nature to be unleashed.  If we feel badly about ourselves,  (see above) some people cope  by trying to bring others down so they can feel better about themselves.  This coping mechanism can become deeply rooted to the point where a person becomes abusive to others, emotionally/ verbally due to their deep insecurities. It can become a pattern to the point where the only way they can feel ok is by criticizing and putting others down to feel inferior, so they can feel superior.  This shows up in myriad places and ways and is especially apparent on social media.

Social Media allows us to be emboldened since we can offend and hide. Before social media, if one kid said something mean to another on the playground, the offender may likely be chased by the offendee for retribution.  Now we can say whatever we like on our social platforms, and go make a turkey sandwich when we're done.

We tend to create behavioral patterns by what we think, and therefore practice.  If we've practiced a life time of just accepting our own critical voice, and/ or accepting others critical voice, those patterns will get reinforced until the verbal/ mental/ emotional barrage stops, and until we heal and learn that we do not deserve someone else's critical judgment thrown at us.  ( In counseling sessions, I refer to this as "flinging poo").

The problem of course, in addition to all the unpleasantries, is that real lives are being affected in detrimental ways.  Our brains tend to believe words we hear over and over even if our rational brain knows that's not the truth.

We need to learn how to silence the inner critic and replace that voice with accurate thoughts. And we need to learn to not accept anyone else's outer critic either.  

There is a world of difference between "your did this and you are terrible" vs. When this happened, I felt ( sad, offended, afraid, etc.). The first is blame and shame, and the second, the person is owning how they feel as a result of what occured. 

Learning to speak with ownership ( and not blame and shame ) is an integral part of showing up in a healthier way for ourselves, and we need  to learn to voice our thoughts, feelings and fears without hurting others. 

Let's be the part of humanity that stops accepting what is unacceptable, harmful and detrimental, and starts taking responsibility to learn to be kind with ourself first and foremost, and to others even when we disagree.  

Let's learn healthy verbal debate if we choose to debate issues, vs. the character assassination that has become the norm in our increasingly unhealthy society.  First, choose you. Practice accurate thoughts, noticing when you have the urge to be critical of others, be curious, ask more questions and engage with ownership. 

Learning to be your own best cheerleader, and cheering on others is a gift that keeps on giving and supports your own emotional wellbeing while enhancing others.