Divorce is rarely if ever easy. Whether you are the one who wanted the divorce or not, the process is fraught with emotion, extra time, work and expense.
For many it is the end of a dream- the dream of a safe and secure family life- someone to go through the ups and downs of life with. For others, it can feel like relief to get away from someone who was abusive, controlling, mean spirited or unfaithful.
There are so many factors both during the process and after that can feel painful, difficult or even out of your control.
When kids are involved, it becomes even more difficult as the challenges of co- parenting (and parenting plans) are often contentious.
In order to come out the other side of the divorce process and create a life that allows you to thrive and not merely survive, consider the following do’s and don’ts to help you through this turbulent time.
1. Don’t allow yourself to ruminate on what was. It’s ok to “revisit” but do not allow yourself to linger there. Each of our lives goes through seasons, and this is yours. Consider who and what matters to you now, and how you can get through this season in the best possible way.
2. Do examine your feelings regularly. Take some reflective pauses, check in with yourself how you are feeling, and honor those feelings in meaningful ways. If you are feeling betrayed, angry or discarded for example, it is important to acknowledge and then experience those feelings in productive and safe ways.
3. Do find ways to experience your emotions in healthy ways. This can mean making time for journaling, taking walks, calling a friend or creating time and safe space to cry. You might journal what you are feeling now, ( use a feeling word or emotional vocabulary chart to assist you) and then consider what you need in that moment. It is important to acknowledge what you are feeling vs. stuffing it.
4. Do not involve the children in the matters of the adults. This means that you speak of adult matters away from the kiddos, and that you ( and ideally your former spouse) agree to not use the children as pawns. They did not ask for the divorce so keep them away from the firestorm. They deserve a healthy and safe childhood- possible when both parents are intentional to put the kids first.
5. Do create special time with your kids as often as possible. If you have more than one child this can mean creating play dates where you are away from your phone, work distractions or anything that takes your attention away from them. Be sure to create time and space for fun enjoyable activities, as well as time to just hang out and/ or ask how they are really doing. Then be sure to just listen.
6. Do consider things that this season has opened up for you. Now that you are no longer someone’s spouse and all the responsibilities that comes with, this is a time you can consider some things you want to do that would be meaningful to you. Do you want to learn a language, take some cooking classes, travel or get a pet? What will bring you joy and will allow you to make decisions in your own best interest?
7. Do recognize that you do not owe anyone an explanation. Your closest friends and family likely already know the issues in the marriage that were unresolvable. While it can feel unsettling if your ex has or is spreading untruths about you, the reality is the people who truly know you know what is true and what is not. Save yourself the breath and worry about what others think by focusing on you and your immediate family- what do you and they need to be resilient right now?
8. Do not date immediately after a divorce. Ideally give yourself at least a year before you dive into dating. Out of all the divorce advice I give, people seem to loathe this one the most. While it can feel lonely being divorced, and you may miss someone saying or doing nice things for you- you need to learn to do those things for yourself. Only when you have reflected, healed and feel good about yourself and your life is it a good time to begin to think about dating. Anything less than that means you are likely to pick someone you will create the same dysfunctional dynamics and hit the repeat button. Take this time to work on you!
9. Do practice gratitude every day. This is one important habit to create as no matter what challenges may persist after divorce, there is always something to be grateful for. When we remind ourselves each day of the many blessings we have, it creates a mind shift which allows us to focus on the beautiful things happening in our life.
10. Do make time for connecting with safe family and good friends. This is imperative as we are created to live with connection and community. This one thing can be a strong influence in our overall emotional and mental health. Get creative and reach out and make time to do fun things with the people that matter to you and are safe and supportive.
11. Do take control of all of the aspects that you can, and learn to surrender the things that you cannot. When I was divorced from my children’s father, I would hear the stories of how at the other house they could do X, Y and Z. Additionally, they were given a ton of sugary snacks and I’d get my kids back all hyped up on sugar which made the transition back to my house more difficult. It took some time for me to be able to let go of what happens at the other house, and to realize that what was within my power was to educate my kids about why it matters what you put in your bodies. Control what you can and learn to let go of the rest.
12. Do engage in Self Care every day. Self care may look different to each one of us and it matters. Whether you enjoy a nightly hot cup of your favorite tea or arrange a coffee date with a friend once a week, go to yoga class, read a book or create a self care spa day at home, these things remind you that you matter and you are worth caring for. Instead of excuses or someday thoughts, look at your schedule and carve out even 10 minutes a day to start.
No matter your circumstances, it is important to remember that you can learn self care, how to better control your thoughts, and how to let go of the things that are holding you back from architecting a life that feels good that you can be proud of. It is important to remember marriage is hard and not without its challenges, and so is being divorced. You can choose each and every day all over again, to love yourself and create a life you love whether you are single and flying solo, recently divorced or you’ve been divorced for awhile.
The more you build great health; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally, the better this journey will go for you.
When you make the time to engage in the journey of healing, gaining confidence and resilience skills you will be equipped to move forward in creating a life where you are the master architect and loving what you’ve built.
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