When is the last time you were excited to do something with your partner, spouse or a friend, and then they called and put the kibosh on the plans at the last minute?
Do you recall what that feels like? Disappointing? Frustrating? Perhaps you may have felt rejected, uncared for or discounted- even if you knew that the cancelation was unavoidable for the person involved.
Life is full of disappointments. Sometimes people we know and love don’t show up for us. Sometimes we don’t come out and ask for what we need and then feel disappointed and frustrated when that person did not respond to our hints…
Whether we are good communicators; able to clearly state our needs or ask for what we desire, or whether we subscribe to the “hope and hint method” of communication, disappointment is inevitable. Life just does not always go as planned and that can feel wildly frustrating.
Of course, if you are 3 or 4 years old, you can just throw yourself down in the middle of aisle five in the grocery store and have an all out tantrum when you are told you can’t have the lollipop, but we hope for better responses from our adult selves.
So how can we respond better than a 4- year-old when life deals us cards we were not expecting? Here’s some ideas:
Remember, the Shift in Plans is Likely Not About You. Though you may feel frustrated, remind yourself that you can hold space to feel both frustration and compassion for the reason your friend/ partner/ spouse had to cancel.
Allow Time to Deal Effectively with the Unexpected Curveball. Maybe your disappointment lies with someone at work who is gossiping about you or telling actual lies about you. While we can’t control the words that come out of someone else’s mouth, we can control to what degree we give it (and them) any power. Remember that those who truly know you, know when they hear untruths. And if they care enough about you, they’ll have the courtesy to ask if there’s any truth to any rumors they’ve heard.
Sit with the Discomfort of the Feelings You are Experiencing. Regardless of the reason for your feelings of disappointment, it is important to bring into your awareness what your feelings are and own them. No one else is responsible for your happiness except you. Find safe space to sit and acknowledge what you are feeling, and then ask yourself what you need.
Summon your Resilience Skills. When someone or something feels disappointing, remind yourself of what you can control… Be willing to adapt, bend or consider other options to still get what you are desiring, perhaps at a later date or time. Be flexible when possible and remind yourself that in the big picture, this is a minor setback or frustration. When you learn and practice taking control of what you can appropriately control, and let go of the rest, you will likely feel empowered.
Since all of us will experience disappointment of some sort- sometimes based on other people’s choices, it is important to remember that we still have choices about how to think about a disappointing event, how to manage our own emotions, and how to thrive using good coping and resilience tools.
Need some help learning better coping and resilience tools? Visit www.livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health to find the health professionals that can help.
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