As a counselor, I hear a lot of relationship stories. As you might imagine, not the stories where people feel seen, heard, cared for, safe, loved and valued.
I hear the other stories. Stories of hurt feelings, neglect of a partner, a partner who wounds with their words, partners who lack emotional regulation- the ability to control their emotions- and stories of physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Sadly, those stories are plentiful. So much so that it prompted me to write this story.
There once was a beautiful little girl. She lived on the sunny side of town and every day she woke up cheerful, energetic and ready to play. She felt safe and secure and knew she was loved.
Until one day she didn’t.
She might have been 4 or 5 at the time, but someone she knew committed a horrific violation of her mind, body and spirit.
And the little girl was forever changed.
Across the other side of town lived a boy. He was smart, athletic and adored by those who loved him. As he grew older, he got involved in sports, in church, and in civic groups- all designed to help him grow, challenge himself, serve and become a leader.
He loved all that he was involved in. He felt seen and loved and cared for.
Until one day he didn’t.
When he was about 10 or 11 someone that he trusted from one of these organizations he belonged to, coerced him into a game that was not a game at all… and he was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually violated.
And the little boy was forever changed.
Both the boy and the girl were told to keep secret what happened to them or bad things would happen.
So they did. But something in them was forever changed.
They did not understand why they became more sad, anxious, and more on guard. They did not understand why they pulled away even from those they had loved and felt safe with.
As the boy and girl grew up, they discovered that the pain that they experienced as a child was more distant in their memory. They also discovered that they gravitated toward things and people to just help them feel better.
For the girl it was having to have a relationship constantly to feel safe so if one relationship did not work out she’d quickly find another. The trouble is many of these relationships hurt her again and again.
The boy as he grew older, found many of his dating relationships and even friendships did not work out as he distanced himself from everyone. He began to consume alcohol while still a teen and his consumption increased over time.
One day, the little girl who grew into a woman who lived on the sunny side of town and the boy who had lived on the other side of town, found one another.
They felt joy at the realization they had lived near one another for so long and were just finding each other now. They quickly hit it off, began to date and soon after, they wed.
Now for the first few months, they were blissfully happy. They did fun things together, household chores, had great sex, laughed a lot and felt so lucky to have one another.
Until one day they weren’t.
One day, the boy who was now the husband, wanted something that the girl who lived on the sunny side of town, was not able to give. The husband, being triggered from his childhood wounds, drank too much and acted out in mean and cruel ways. He began to be very angry, yelling, criticizing, calling his wife ugly names, demeaning her and demanding she give him what he wanted.
And then they were forever changed.
The girl who lived on the sunny side of town, who was now a wife, began to walk on eggshells. She never knew when the boy who was now her husband would become inflamed, escalate emotionally and demean, criticize, shame and devalue her.
And she was forever changed.
Time marched on, and they had a child. What a lovely distraction to all the chaos, dysfunction and fear that now characterized their relationship. A couple of years later they had another. And while the wife’s ability to hide her pain outwardly increased, so did the episodes where her husband was angry and out of control.
She soon tried to keep their world perfect- cook the right things, keep the house clean and keep the children in line so they didn’t “upset daddy.” As the children got older, they got the message that looking good out in the world and being perfect (and making the family look good) was the most important thing. Often the people closest to them including their church rewarded them with praise on “how well mannered the children were.”
Meanwhile, the children witnessed their parents arguing frequently. They felt the tension in the house which caused them to feel distressed and unsafe. They watched a dad that was often drunk and mean, and an expressionless depressed mom who was exhausted trying to keep it all together.
In addition, they did not feel seen, heard, cared for or loved. They went into survival mode.
They also learned to adapt to their environment being resilient as kids are. One child learned that if they were small and silent, fewer bad things would happen at home.
The other child learned to escape through drugs, alcohol, sex, and having serial relationships.
One day when their dad drank way too much and came home belligerent, demanding, demeaning and cruel, they witnessed him hit their mother.
And they were forever changed…
If any part of this story, is your story, If any part of this story resonates with you, YOU get to write the ending.
Childhood wounds that are unidentified and not healed will continue to cause you and those you love that are the closest to you, to act out.
While some will act out with physical, emotional/verbal violence, others may act out through silence and withdrawal.
All point to the same roots. Nearly all of us have childhood wounds that were traumatic, whether something occurred one time or was ongoing. Whether we were (or felt) abandoned, were abused and/ or neglected, it all left a deep wound inside of us; in our mind, body and spirit.
Additionally, witnessing abuse in any form has the same effect as those who directly experience it.
The thoughts of “that happened a long time ago” or “I got over that a long time ago” are not serving you well today. That is not how the human body and brain are designed. We don’t just “get over it.” Additionally, allowing cruel behaviors, perhaps because you have compassion for your abuser, will end your story in a way that has far reaching negative consequences for you and those closest to you, often children.
The hope we have as you read this story is that you will summon compassion towards yourself and others, while setting boundaries against behaviors that are not ok.
Is this your story in any way? Because if so, you were forever changed.
The good news? Help and healing are available to you. But you must seek it.
At Live Well Kitsap, we just finished celebrating mental / emotional health in Week 2 of our Transformation event ( www.livewellkitsap.com/transformation).
We care about your mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual health every day.
Please find a mental health provider who can help you! Go to www.livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health. Another resource is Psychology Today’s website.
You are not alone. Take the first step towards living a healthy, emotionally safe life and learn to heal, find compassion and set appropriate boundaries.
We desire that you are forever changed- in the way of becoming a whole, full of life, healthy person with self love, and compassion- enjoying safe, healthy and satisfying relationships.
Have questions, comments or thoughts about this blog? We want to hear from you. Reach out to lesli@livewellkitsap.com.
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