The Increase and Heartache of Family Estrangement

Chances are if you are not living under a rock, you or someone you know is dealing with the heartache of an adult child calling it quits on the relationship with mom and/ or dad.

In generations past I don’t believe this was happening nearly as much which can feel confusing and betraying for the parent that is left holding the relationship bag…

Previously, we did not understand as much as we do now about mental and emotional health and the importance of not staying in toxic relationships- even with blood related family.

Generations past generally just learned to suck it up and survive it when a parent was abusive, allowed or knew abuse was occurring in the home, or was absent or neglectful of a child’s needs.

Sadly, in generations past, many parents were led to believe that if they put a roof over a child’s head, fed and clothed them, they had largely done their job.

Today we know so much more about how trauma, abuse, neglect and a lack of presence and /or harshness affects a child’s nervous system, how it conditions their brain, and how it prevents a sense of stability and emotional safety and security in the home- two things a child must have to thrive.

When a parent laments that their child is taking an indefinite break from the relationship with a parent, or calling it quits entirely, it often indicates that they are choosing their own mental health and wellbeing. 

For parents that have been over controlling, negative, critical, denied a child the usual and necessary steps of self discovery, growth, experiencing failures without condemnation, they often at the time are not aware of the psychological damage done to their child.

Furthermore, parents who tolerated a dysfunctional abusive relationship with their spouse or partner may think that the abuse was only affecting them; we now know that children who hear and /or witness abuse are just as affected by it as if it were happening to them directly.

This is not a blog about blame… but rather one that hopes to lend a helping hand towards healing and understanding.

If you are reading this and are the adult child who has chosen to cut off ties with a parent or parents, and /or if you are a parent trying to cope with this, help and healing are often possible.

We encourage you to consider the following

1. If you cut off ties, have clarity as to why you are doing so.   Past ruptures and wounds can often be repaired after you take time to heal those wounds by working with an experienced counselor, therapist or healer.  Take responsibility to do your growth and healing work.

2. Allow space for a parent’s growth too.  In other words, if you have a parent that is trying to understand the effect their actions had on you, be willing when you are ready, to talk to them.  Don’t judge your parent for who they were 10 or 20 years ago, rather look and see if they are doing any growth work as they may be doing their own healing work now.

3. Allow Compassion for both yourself and them.   Parents only knew what they knew at the time. That does not mean we subject our self to more harsh treatment, criticism or abuse.  It does mean that we can choose compassion whether we choose to try to repair and heal the relationship,  or if we choose to love them from afar. 

4. Own your experiences and your feelings.  If there is to be a meaningful conversation in the future, it won’t sound like blame, but rather it will be full of ownership… “When ___ happened, this is how it affected me… “.

   
   

To a parent who is estranged from your child not by choice… remember that your job is to become your healthiest most healed self so that if /when your child is ready to try to repair the rupture, you will be in a position to listen. 

It will be imperative to understand that most often your adult child is not trying to hurt you,  but rather they are trying to reclaim their mental /emotional health and wellbeing.   They are learning to not tolerate toxic, controlling or abusive behavior of any kind.

While you may not see it that way or be stuck on “We did the best we could,” holding on to your own stories rarely produces a positive outcome.

Having curiosity how your treatment and the home you provided affected your child is a good place to start.

Your intentions or version of what home felt like may be wildly different from what your child / children experienced.

Be open to hearing your child’s truth, as painful as it may be.

Resist the urge to explain, defend, minimize or dismiss.  Any of these will add fuel to a fire that is already burning.

Slow down, breathe. Listen.

No one gets parenting perfectly right.  In the midst of best intentions, a lot of damage can occur.  As an adult, people can choose to move away from unhealthy relationships - something they were powerless to do as a child.

If you or someone you know or love is struggling with these issues, we hope you will seek help. 

We can’t force someone to be in a relationship with us… but we can work on our self and learn how to show up in healthier ways to have the potential to restore health, healing, hope and happiness to our families.