The Power of the Emotion of Shame

You know that feeling… when someone says something that feels attacking or blaming.

The sentences usually start with” You did… or conversely, “you didn’t do …”.and the

feelings that result can feel pretty awful.

The feelings of shame are often deeply rooted. They often begin in childhood. Whether

it’s a parent who shames us for not doing our homework or cleaning our room, how they

get their message of dissatisfaction across is the difference between feeling shame, or

being able to focus on a specific behavior that our parent wants us to change.

There is a big difference between YOU are bad, versus, you did a bad thing that I feel

disappointed in. One allows us to focus on changing a behavior, while the other will feel

like a direct assault on our personhood. We may not have the words to express how

this makes us feel as a kid, but we do know and remember the feeling.

When we are personally attacked, especially by those that are supposed to love, care

and guide us, it creates immense woundedness. Sadly, this is how many people were

parented and that is their modeling for parenting which they then subject their offspring

to.

Shaming someone is wounding. A child’s immature brain cannot distinguish between I

did a bad thing, vs. I am bad. And when a parent verbalizes their messaging with

character assassination instead of focusing on specific behaviors, it can leave wounds

that children carry with them well into adulthood.

It is difficult to parent in ways that we have no modeling for. If we don’t want to continue

these cycles of blaming and shaming our children, we have to learn the skills to do this

differently.

Being blamed and shamed is something children and then adults internalize.

Our brain believes what it hears over and over again, whether it is accurate or

beneficial.

The consequences become profound and can result in everything from low self esteem,

someone who apologizes for nearly everything, whether it is their fault or not, and low

self efficacy. It can lead to perfectionism, procrastination and more. We are not as

quick to take risks or venture out of our comfort zone when we’ve had a lifetime of being

met with someone else’s judgment, criticism, blame or shame, for not doing something

“right” or “their way”. For many people, being blamed and shamed leads to shrinking-

becoming small and silent because that feels safer.

Tragically, many people, especially women, will end up in abusive relationships whereby

a partner takes over the blaming and shaming that was ever present in their family of

origin.

Sometimes we inadvertently create the same familiar patterns we experienced growing

up.

While shaming can and does feel awful, it will also feel familiar if you are someone who

grew up with it. Shaming comments are also part of the bigger picture of emotional,

verbal and sometimes physical abuse that occurs in abusive toxic relationships. It is a

way for the abuser to exert control. Shame is used as a manipulation tactic.

The tragedy- we may come to believe all these blaming, shaming and toxic comments

which then lead to a perpetuation of low self esteem, feeling we have no abilities to do

things or that we can’t do them “as well as our partner” leading to a loss of agency over

our own lives.

The one who shames has power over the one who accepts the shame as fact or truth.

Breaking out of these toxic patterns takes time and often professional help to see with

open eyes the reality of the relationship and get honest about what it really feels like to

be in the relationship.

If you are parenting and perpetuating all the old messaging you grew up with, start

paying attention to your thoughts and language. Focus on a specific behavior and what

specific thing you want your child to do differently.

If you are in a relationship that feels confusing and toxic, listen for the language that

makes you feel less than, belittled, demeaned, condemned, judged, shamed or blamed.

Any sentences that start with YOU are… or YOU never do… can lead to toxic

conversations and patterns. Those will often feel like character assassinations.

Listen for YOU language vs. I language. Listen in your own words, and the words of

those you live with or even are dating. Listen for the language of your parents, and

consider how to shift your own language, and to set boundaries with others toxic –

blaming or shaming.

An example in parenting: “I can’t believe you failed that test. You’re lazy…clearly you

didn’t study.” VS. “ I feel disappointed that you failed the test. I’d like to talk about what

help or support you might need to have a different outcome next time.”

In your adult relationship: “It’s all your fault…you made me look bad in front of my

boss” VS. “ I was feeling inadequate at the party when I spoke with my boss”.

The difference between blame, shame and ownership is a mile wide. Today, get honest

with what you may be tolerating in your own relationship. Much like when we are a

child, we may know the relationship often feels awful, but we have not been able to

name WHY.

If you need professional help either with your parenting skills, and /or in your adult

relationship, please reach out to us. We have resources that can help.

Go on the Live Well Kitsap site and click on Explore Wellbeing in Kitsap. Click on Mind-

Your-Health.

Contact info@livewellkitsap.com for more resources as well.

If you are in an abusive or unsafe relationship, please honor yourself and find a safe

way to get help. You deserve to learn to care for your own heart and value YOU, even

when the person you live with (or are with) is not or cannot.

Do not let someone else’s shaming behavior control you. Start looking at the truth and

find ways to heal from this dynamic. You matter and your health and safety matter too.