What If We Questioned Our Thoughts?

If you are old enough to remember Zig Ziglar, the motivational speaker who wrote books of wisdom and the author of many life quotes, he often  talked about “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.   At the time I used to read his stuff I really didn’t have the full understanding of what that meant. 

Now as a trained mental health professional who understands the power of our thoughts and how those thoughts can serve us well; help us be healthy, set boundaries, have good relationships, excel in our business or workplace… or, conversely lead us to self -condemnation and destruction by believing things that are not true ( about ourself or others),and cause us tremendous pain in relationships, the one common denominator in all of this is command central- our brain, and what  we allow ourselves to think and believe.

Let’s apply the above to some real life examples:  Say you are at work and someone says something dismissive to you- maybe your boss, or a coworker.  Do you believe that they said that because your thought or idea was worthy of being dismissed?  Do you consider perhaps whether they are simply someone who had a bad morning and took it out on you? Do you think to notice patterns to see if this person behaves this way frequently with you or others?  Do you allow their comment to begin to erode your self confidence at work? 

In other words, let ‘s say it’s the latter, and this person does this frequently, and you begin to believe your ideas or even your work is worthy of being dismissed as unimportant or unnecessary.  Now what does your internal dialogue sound like?  If it sounds anything like,  “I just won’t speak up at work anymore.  No one seems to like my ideas anyway. “…you have just experienced the fall out of believing every thought without questioning it.

If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship where you are told that “everything is your fault” or, if you hadn’t done “X” they wouldn’t have had to do “Y” (verbally abuse you, hit you, blame or shame you).  If you begin to believe these gaslighting messages, then you are likely participating in an abusive cycle, which is more complex than what we can dive into here. 

The point is, believing our own or others’ thoughts without questioning them can really land us in a perpetual state of emotional “hot water” as we allow our self to believe things about our self that may or may not even be true. 

One of the most profound messages in my curriculum to become a Certified Brain Health Coach, was the sentence from Daniel Amen, Ph.D  who stated many times, “ Just because you think a thought does not make it true.”  Those words have stuck with me personally as well as professionally and is one nugget I often share with clients.

Many of us grew up in our family of origin with strict mandates and protocols of what was ok and not ok. Additionally, there were parents who unfortunately gave us repeated messages that were not helpful or healthy. Things like “You’re a slob, why don’t you clean your room?” or “You are lazy that’s why you never help around here.”  Somehow parents thought that those were ok messages, but what we know now, is regardless of the reason those things were said, that they leave a lasting impression in a child’s brain and nervous system. 

Children believe what they hear, especially authority figures like parents, regardless of whether or not the statements are true.

Those messages can and do impact a child who then grows into an adult, for a lifetime.

Children don’t have the thinking capacity yet, the brain maturity to question those thoughts as the Prefrontal Cortex ( PFC ) is the last part of the brain to fully develop.  This is the part of the brain that is crucial for thinking, being curious, questioning, along with performing other executive functions like ability to make sound decisions, impulse control, and ability to contemplate consequences of our decisions.  

However, if we are not encouraged by someone- teachers, coaches, parents, older siblings, mentors or extended family to question our thinking, we can easily become a person who believes whatever we hear.

This is how many politicians and nefarious people get you and others to think “their way”.  They know that repetition of anything, including lies and manipulations will often cause people to believe what they say, if they only repeat it again and again.

Most of us have a lazy brain on some level.  So many things and functions are on autopilot.  (imagine if we had to consciously tell our eyes to blink or our heart to beat).  Additionally, our brain likes predictability and routines. When we hear something over and over- whether it’s a parent calling us stupid, lazy or a sibling calling us weird, or a politician saying I’m going to save you from X or Y… I’m going to make your world so much better because I’ll do… we want to believe that’s true.  And then when they tell us over and over -even in  incoherent sentences, we stop questioning the validity of what they say… our brain just wants to believe them, EVEN WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY.  

Our brain is powerful and many people do not realize how powerful it actually is.  It can cause us to believe lies, manipulations, question our very worth or sanity, or it can – by our thoughts- and questioning our thoughts- help us to realize truth from fiction, discern what we ought to pay attention to and decide intentionally which thoughts are accurate and beneficial for us to believe and act on.

Here's a few thoughts to consider:

DON’T BELIEVE EVERY THOUGHT YOU THINK- BEGIN TO QUESTION YOUR THOUGHTS. This is especially true if you have negative or toxic people in your life.  Know that much of what they say to you or about you is them acting from a place of their own woundedness.

OWN WHAT IS YOURS TO OWN, AND BE MORE INTENTIONAL WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH THE REST.  If someone is saying untruths about you, consider the source.  Is this someone you know or don’t know? Is this someone you care about and want to set the record straight or at least share your side or perspective about something.  Not every rupture can be repaired, so consider who and what situation makes sense to try and restore.

REFLECT ON THE MESSAGES YOU WERE GIVEN AS A CHILD, AND ALSO IN YOUR ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.  Question them for accuracy.  Is there a grain of truth to pay attention to or someone saying things to you for their own agenda to manipulate or coerce you into compliance with what they want?

LISTEN CLOSELY TO YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE. Are you minimizing yourself, your contributions or your very sense of self worth?  Has someone in your past told you things that caused you to not believe in yourself? Has someone made you feel incapable, stupid or incompetent?  Is your inner dialogue picking up where they left off?

These are things to begin to do now and moving forward.

Lastly, many people mistakenly believe that all the things that they were told growing up should no longer affect them, however, that is not how our body and brain work.  Anything that is said to us, or happens to us that evokes strong emotion, or is an event that causes us to shut down, is remembered at some level in the body and brain. 

Today, start to question your thoughts and the world around you. Question by looking at the evidence, not just one thing you hear someone say repeatedly.  

Just because someone says something, does not make it true.