Relationship Repair- Why Words Matter at Home and at Work

How many times have you felt frustration at home or in your workplace- as a partner, a leader, or a manager, over arguments, discontent, and discord?  How many times have you experienced an inability to hear one another or rationally discuss differing viewpoints?

Words matter.  So often I work with clients (counseling and coaching) who report having the same arguments and frustrations for days, weeks and sometimes years that breed discontent and disconnect that never get resolved.

Conflict can rip us apart, or, when we learn effective ways to communicate, can actually bring us closer together.

John Gottman- founder of the Love Lab at the Univ of Washington, and marriage expert and researcher points to happily married couples who report arguing multiple times a day.

How can that be? It goes against the way most of us think.  If we are arguing that surely must mean we are not getting along…

But it’s all in HOW we show up.  We can argue, disagree, and launch fiery arrows; character assassinations that tear down one another and ultimately destroy the relationship… or we can learn emotional regulation and how to use words that enhance connection, understanding and ultimately allow us to enter into productive conflict.

This is as true on the homefront as it is in the workplace.

If you are someone that has a difficult time controlling your emotions, tends to launch into “courtroom behaviors”- defending, denying, minimizing, blaming, manipulating, and you find most of your relationships to be challenging, it’s time to find a different way.

Here’s the short list to show up as someone who can listen, be present and steer the conversation in a whole new direction.

• Be Present. Decide that the person standing in front of you is the only one that matters in the moment.   Put your phone down and be fully present

• Decide that you are ready to learn emotional regulation skills.  Find a competent coach, counselor or therapist that can help with this. It takes time and new tools and then practicing them again and again

• Reignite your curiosity.  Only when we remain curious – about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, needs, ideas etc. can we have open, meaningful and productive conversations.  Show up curious.  Every time.  Seek to understand first.

• Set a boundary that inflammatory, character assassinating words are no longer acceptable. (They never were).  Start owning your own thoughts, feelings, needs, ideas and goals.   Learn to share in a way that does not attack the other person.

• Use “I” language that allows you to own your feelings, needs, ideas and wants. When you show up and use I, instead of you, to start sentences you will avoid attacks but rather engage in owning what is yours to own.  Only then can our nervous system stay calm enough to continue a meaningful productive conversation.

  
  

This is an important starting list…  Easy to put down on paper, and harder to learn.

And, it is a game changer.  You want rich, meaningful, and safe relationships at home and in the workplace?   Learn and practice each outlined step above. 

Want to transform your company culture?  Transform your relationship with your business partner, your spouse or primary person?  Want a new relationship with your teens or adult children?

Start with leading yourself.  How you think matters.  The words you use matter.

Want to know more?  Consult a counselor, business coach or therapist. 

We want to connect with you.  Reach out at info@livewellkitsap.com