What’s Your “Have To” Story?

How many times a day do you have the “I have to” thought?  How many times do you hear yourself say it out loud?  Are you that person all day long, in your thoughts and in your speech, bemoaning your “Have to” list? Has your day become a task master list of have to do’s ?

But what about the “Have to’s” that don’t have anything to do with chores and tasks?  What about the ones that have even greater significance?

Recently, I heard a client lament, “I have to see my parents next week and I don’t want to.”

Her Mother was abusive throughout her childhood.

Maybe for you it’s the “I have to do the obligatory call to my mom” …” I have to talk to the uncle that abused me when I was 10.” 

The list of stories that we oblige ourself to, without questioning, can be long for many of us. What if you asked yourself  instead, “what would it be like for me if I made a choice… if I chose to say “I will choose to do this” instead of, I have to.”

Or, choose not to.

Imagine how your life could look and feel if you began to question all of your “have to” stories.

I have worked with clients that are anxious -sick to their stomach, because they have told themself a story that they “have to” put themselves at physical, psychological or emotional risk because there’s a family gathering and you’ll “have to” talk with so and so who did something horrible to you…

Sadly, the “Have to” stories get reinforced with things like, “that was a long time ago, or he’s not like that anymore, or even worse, “you’re over reacting.”

The reality is that whether we are talking a vast to do list; house or work tasks, or whether we are dealing with something more impactful, we have a choice. 

What would our life look like, if we made more intentional choices?

What would it feel like to prioritize tasks so we have more self care time, or more presence with our child?

What would it feel like to utilize the agency we have over our lives to learn to give a good no, or not now, or choose what is in the best interest of our own mental/emotional/physical health and wellbeing?

When we think about being in the company of someone who has caused us pain, grief or suffering, and we notice our body is giving us signs of anxiety, that is our body trying to talk to us.  Our body is saying, Whoa, let’s take a pause here… are you sure you “Have to” be in the company of that person who harmed you?

Anxiety signs and symptoms is our body’s way of trying to get our attention.

We do well when we listen.

Today, start to notice how many times the phrase “Have to” shouts in your brain and comes out of your mouth.

Look at that list, that thought, that obligation… through a different lens.

Question each “Have to” thought.  Then ask, “Do I really “Have to” or is that just a story I’ve told myself or someone else has told me that I obediently react to.

No one else can look out for your mental, emotional , physical or spiritual health and wellbeing like you can.

Notice what it feels like to shift your language into” I choose to do this”, vs. I “Have to.”

If you are having difficulty in setting boundaries, saying no, or prioritizing your wellbeing, you might seek out a coach, counselor or therapist who can help.

But you don’t have to… It’s just a suggestion.