Why Some Women Can’t Stop Apologizing

How many women do you know that apologize for every little thing that they perceive was not honoring to someone else?  Whether it’s apologizing because the line was long at the bank or traffic was bad and it caused them to be three minutes late, it’s always an apology followed by an explanation.

Have you ever observed the difference between a woman crossing the street and a man?  I often observe women whisking by as quickly as possible whereas I’ll notice a guy just strolling unphased about whether he’ll make it across or whether drivers may have to wait for him.

I’ve observed countless women consistently apologizing for things that are not their fault.

We could chalk this up to women being more considerate, respectful or polite, however I can’t help but wonder if there’s more than meets the eye here.

Young girls are still socialized to “play nice” to “share” and to ensure everyone else has what they need- sometimes to their own detriment as they become adults.

While women with their larger limbic brain are often hardwired to be considerate, loving, and may be wired for nurturing and caretaking, this over apologizing points to something more.

In my observation, women who over apologize often lack self -esteem and self- worth.  It’s almost as if they are apologizing for taking up space, having a different opinion, or feeling like there’s an expectation- possibly from parents, friends, partners or their workplaces- that they consistently think they are not achieving, thus resulting in endless apologies.

I am all for polite and respectful interactions.  If I do something wrong, if my words or actions actually hurt or offend someone, apologies are appropriate.  Even better is the apology that comes with an ask for forgiveness vs. one that comes with explanations.

However, If I am apologizing incessantly, and / or for things that I had no control over, that may speak to deeper issues.

Some women learned early on that they would be blamed by parents if they did one thing that deviated from parental expectations.  Often these girls grow up to become women that got conditioned to just apologize in the hopes of avoiding someone else’s wrath.

Some women are living inside of toxic relationships, and in the battle to not set off their controlling, abusive, condemning, shaming or emotionally dysregulated partner, they apologize in the hope that their person won’t go off on them.

These are the pieces to pay attention to.  If you or someone you know and love is constantly apologizing, perhaps it is time to be curious what that may be about.

As a woman, you have every right to be here. To take up space. To stroll across the crosswalk. To be seen. Heard. Loved. Cared for.  To have a voice. Without apology.

If you realize, this describes you, get curious and if needed get help.  If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, help is available.

If you recognize your self esteem could use a boost, consider the coaches, and counselors on the Live Well Kitsap site who can help.  Reach out to livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health.