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Writer's pictureLesli Dullum Tutterrow

Circular Arguments and Your Emotional Health 

Ever know someone who just loves to argue?  Sometimes it doesn’t even matter the topic- they just readily jump into the fray with having an opinion that is opposite of yours and they will expend an enormous amount of energy trying to convince you why you are “wrong” and why they are “right”.

 

If this person is a casual acquaintance and /or a distant relative, it may be easy enough to keep your distance and not get swept up in the argument. You may even determine that this is someone you don’t care to spend any time around.

 

But if this describes someone you live or work with, these kinds of arguments can begin to take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical health.

 

The problem with circular arguments is that frankly, nobody wins.   It is a situation where the topic is not well defined, and the party that is argumentative is not often able to care about your thoughts, feelings, needs or opinions. 

 

This pattern of behavior can emerge from different origins… some people have witnessed their family of origin ( often parents) arguing endlessly.  This is the modeling they saw and heard of what relationships look like. People often repeat the family patterns of what they experienced growing up.

 

Other people may be more argumentative to stimulate their brain. We see this with children and adults alike with ADD or ADHD.  This is also why yelling at a child with ADD/ ADHD is one of the things to avoid as while they may be unconsciously provoking you to yell, it trains their brain that arguing gets them what they want- and it stimulates their busy brain.

 

Ideally, you want them to have healthy avenues and options to stimulate their brain.

 

As far as the person who just likes to argue, be right, or perhaps saw this modeled behavior - regardless of the reasons,  you don’t have to join in- especially at the cost of your mental, emotional and physical health.

 

Once a person is triggered ( which can be from virtually anything) and they are off and running in a circular argument, there are things you can do to find an off ramp.

 

First,  you have to be very aware and present about when it begins and  notice your thoughts and feelings.  For example, if your thought is “Oh great here we go again” then pay attention to that.  That is your blaring red flag that the cycle is beginning and that you will need to find the way out- ideally before you participate and contribute to making its way around the track.

 

Additionally, if the argument involves attacks, put downs, demeaning or critical comments, then that puts your circular arguments in a whole different category-  abusive behavior.   No one needs to be right at YOUR expense.

 

Here are some ideas for you to end this circle before it even begins:

 

1.        The response of “sounds like we see that differently” can often go a long way.  It is a loving straightforward way of just not engaging in an argument. Then change the subject.

 

2.        I am happy to talk with you about anything other than _____ since we don’t do well with that conversation.  Then change the conversation so you stick with your own boundary.  If the person persists, you can simply share that you are not up for talking about that topic right now.

 

3.        You might ask, “Can you define or narrow down what your real issue is?”  Often  people have circular arguments because no one is defining the real issue that they ought to be talking about.   This gives you something  “meatier” to actually dive into real and meaningful conversation.  (This you would do with someone that you desire to improve the relationship versus  someone you might just avoid.)

 

4.        Share that “this feels like the same argument different day- I wonder what the real issue is that we ought to be discussing? Could we each take a few minutes apart and try to hone in on that before we continue this conversation?”

 

Many couples will latch onto the thing that feels safer to talk about- like leaving the toothpaste cap off the tube, or not picking up socks off the floor, because we often fear someone’s reaction to the real issue.

 

However, we cannot enhance or move toward greater connection and closeness or even create psychologically safe relationships if we allow ourselves to be stuck in circular conversations that go nowhere but just end up being distressing for both parties.

 

Remember, just because someone invites you into a circular argument that goes round and round with no resolve, does not mean you have to participate.

 

Meet that person with compassion and boundaries and see if you can create  a viable off ramp that can turn your relationship around.

 

Note- If you or someone you know is enduring verbal, emotional and / or physical abuse, please reach out for help. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. 

 

There are also people and places in Kitsap to help you such as the YWCA and Georgia’s House in Bremerton. There are also mental health professionals on the Live Well Kitsap site.  Learn more at www.livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health.

 

You are precious, valuable and vulnerable and deserve to be treated that way! 

You are not alone!  You have a community that cares.

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