Learning to Communicate - I vs. You!

I am blessed nearly every day to do work that I love.   I raised my kids with the theory that you find what you love, get good, then figure out how to make a living at it and it won’t feel like work.

I am fortunate to live out that “theory”!

Every day that I am on the journey with clients who genuinely are ready to learn, grow, heal and thrive, is a good day.  My job is to listen, ask thought provoking questions, and to share new tools and techniques that help them thrive.

The reality is, unless we grew up in a home where we saw emotional intelligence exemplified, or at the very least some decent communication and conflict resolution skills demonstrated, most of us simply repeat what was modeled for us which often leads to a lot of unnecessary strife in relationships. 

Let’s take a small communication habit that most people are painfully unaware of that causes all kinds of havoc where partners spin, devolve into arguments, defensiveness and disconnect, that can be helped with one small shift in their communication. 

It’s you.

As in the word “You”.

When we start sentences with you, that word “you” is often followed by the thing you did that your partner did not like, or did not want you to do, or conversely, the thing you did not do that they wanted you to do!

In other words, it’s often followed by a negative critical comment or a verbal attack.

Who knew one word could cause So. Much. Grief.

Continue to start sentences with you only if they are followed by … “are so wonderful,”  “…make my day” or “..think of my needs even before I do..”

If your “you” is not in that context, or something similarly lovely, then it is time to nix sentences that start with YOU.

This is true in general ( and also applies to communication with your boss, coworkers, colleagues, children, and friends) and especially if you are trying to have a convo about a “hot topic”. ( money, sex, the kids, in-laws, etc.)

So, If we won’t start conversations with “ You… didn’t take out the garbage.”   “You were late coming home and didn’t call me,”  “You didn’t stop at the store and get the ice cream I wanted.”  Then how will we convey our message ( and displeasure??)

Simply put, You sentences are fighting words, so let’s learn and practice a different way.

I teach communicating in LOO language.  Loo, not to be confused with the restrooms in England, stands for Language of Ownership, which begins with I.

Here’s some examples of LOO you can use.

I think that…

I believe that…

I notice that…

I need…

I’m not ok with…

I feel…

What I’m needing is…

I wonder if…

The latter is my favorite, because it opens the door to have an open and curious conversation. 

It can sound like, “I notice I am really tired, and I hear you want to talk about X , I wonder if we make an agreement to talk about X tomorrow at Noon when we are both rested and can have a more productive conversation?”

This paragraph is full of ownership… the person is aware of what they are feeling, they are aware that it is likely not going to produce a great result if they try and discuss this important topic now, and they are offering a concrete alternative while they acknowledge that this matters to their partner.

When we own what we  observe, think, feel and need… conversations won’t feel attacking or start out on the defense.

Because many of us grew up in families where there were lots of You sentences… You didn’t clean your room, you didn’t get an A on the test, you didn’t tell me you needed cookies for the bake sale tomorrow…

Our nervous system and brain get conditioned that sentences that start with you often end with something not great about us – or something that shows displeasure from our parent, or worse, gets us in some  hot water, or even abused.

So as adults, this brain and nervous system training doesn’t just end when we become young adults and move away from home.  What does that mean for our relationships now?

It means most of us are wired for defensiveness as soon as our brain registers the first “you”…

With using the language of ownership, you can still get the same messages across that you need to- the difference is you may now actually have a partner who can hang in there with you through the whole conversation, rather than dismissing, defending and spiraling into an argument, disconnect and frustration.

Here are some additional examples.

“When you took your sisters side in the issue of X, I felt invisible, discounted and dismissed.  I know we will see things differently at times, and when there’s an extended family issue I really need us to move to a safe space and discuss it before we give an answer so we can both feel heard.”

“When you remember to make my coffee just the way I like it on Saturday mornings, it makes me feel seen, loved and cared for.  I appreciate when you do that.”

“When I saw you come home 2 hours late without a text or call, I felt worried, concerned and not important. I would like it if we would make an agreement of how late either of us may be that warrants a text to let the other know.”

Given that communication is the lifeblood of relationships, and so much can go sideways in a hurry when we communicate hastily and without understanding how words matter in mind, body and spirit, we can easily become careless in our communications.

This week, start using I language.  If your partner is willing, have them read this blog.  See if you can challenge yourself and one another to use this language to increase effective communication, and create more moments of connection vs. disconnect, disarray, and discontent.

Want to learn more?  There are mental health professionals and life coaches at www.livewellkitsap.com