What a Lack of Empathy Really Means

I am writing a blog that I truly am unqualified to write.  And yet, I feel compelled to write it.

I am that person, that feels nearly everything. My kids used to give me grief for shedding tears at animated kid movies, crying at heart tugging commercials, and being the person who would stop what I’m doing to help a stranger.

What motivates all that- the ability to see and care about others, to feel things deeply? What we possess when we experience sadness when those we love are hurting is empathy.

Empathy is that quality that most people possess.  It is what allows us to care about and for others.  It is our ability to connect with others we know and love, and to care deeply about what they are going through and what happens to them.

But what about those that lack empathy?  It is difficult to imagine how different their lives are from yours and mine. (I assume if you are reading this you may likely possess some empathy).

A lack of empathy, common for those on the spectrum of narcissism and sociopathy is something hard to imagine.

What do people’s lives look like if they don’t have the capacity to care for and about others… If there is no ability to feel  or understand what others are feeling, no concern for others’ welfare or wellbeing?

Not like yours and mine.

People who lack empathy is not just a trait on a long list of traits that we hear, read, or see on a tik tok post about narcissism.

A lack of empathy makes people dangerous to others. Those who lack empathy generally use people as tools to get what they want.  They have an agenda and most often will stop at nothing to achieve it.  That means using people, manipulating those that they claim to love, as well as those they don’t even know, depending on how much power and position they have.

Often those without empathy are charismatic and have no problem attracting partners,  leadership positions ,as well as for some, launching themselves deep into the political arena.  They will stop at nothing to get what they want and what they need to feel special, admired and set apart.

They will say what you want to hear and have you believing every word that is uttered from their lips, which is sadly, mostly lies, distortions, manipulations and rhetoric.

If you are in a relationship with someone who possesses these traits, you already are experiencing the confusing and tumultuous dynamic of the relationship.

In one minute, they are exalting your beauty and traits and ten minutes later condemning and blaming you.  The relationship will likely nearly always feel chaotic.  They keep you hooked by their confusing behaviors and the hope that the guy who shows up in the honeymoon phase of the dysfunctional and toxic cycle will remain.  It is that hope that keeps people locked into a toxic relationship dynamic that others would not accept.

In business, the fallout is much the same.  Toxic, narcissistic bosses use and manipulate others, consider people disposable, complain, blame and shame people both to their face and behind their backs. They will often threaten their staff with job loss if they don’t do exactly what the manager, leader or boss wants, and they have no concern whatsoever about consequences to their actions.

Be prepared for them to also take credit for what you produce and position themselves as the one who is indispensable.  That may come at the cost of you or your position at some point.

Only more frightening than this is when a sociopath or narcissist is in a position of high leadership, as one in politics for example who has power to make decisions that affect nearly everyone’s lives.

The issue is that they are so believable. They will have you thinking that they are the savior of the world, that pink is blue and that the sky is falling if they say so.

Nearly anyone can get conned by them.  Their tactics and manipulations are well honed and they become very good at it.

Many fall for their charisma, their appearance of extreme confidence, and their rhetoric of how wonderful and capable they say they are. They may not be able to string two coherent sentences together, but there is a point where we WANT to believe them. This is often fueled by our own unconscious bias.  We hear one thing they say that we  believe  is true, and we stop looking at or become willing to see the massive amount of evidence that contradicts our belief that they are good, believable, kind and caring.

The truth?  They are deeply wounded, deeply insecure, and often have deeply rooted abandonment issues. Many have been raised by a narcissistic parent who taught them they are special, above all others and should have everything they want, leading also to extreme entitlement.

Many who lack empathy experienced modeling and heard messaging in their childhood  homes, of steam rolling over other people, using others, or  heard phrases like “those suckers,” referring to the people that the parent(s) took advantage of.

For one who lacks empathy – who possesses many of the behaviors of narcissism-you may notice one of two dynamics that often teeter back and forth.

They lament how stupid everyone else is and how smart they are… this allows them to elevate themselves in their own mind and convince you of the same. Feeling successful and superior to others is the fuel they run on. This also explains why they tend to be poor listeners and dominate conversations.

And yet, many will claim to be the victim.  This can be evidenced in many ways and on very grand scales.  In this dynamic there will almost always be false accusations aimed at anyone else, as they cry victim and prey on your sympathy and ability for compassion as you believe their lies and distortions.

Conversely, they must be seen as the savior.  They profess they can save you, the company, or the country for that matter. Their message overtly, or covertly is "you need me- you can't do this without me."

Which means they create drama everywhere they go… on small and large scales.  They create the drama with the thought in mind they can control everyone and all the circumstances and in the end be seen as the hero who fixed/ saved it all, in the hopes that no one will know or remember that they caused the upheaval in the first place.

Why write this blog now?

Because, as a counselor I witness countless relationships with this dynamic.  Women who are in relationships that are abusive, that are confusing that they don’t understand.

Because the same person who claims to love them is also the same one who consistently hurts them.

And, I have lived experience of all of this.

I write this in the hopes that people will not be so bamboozled by charm and financial success that they don’t stop to think,  who is this person really and what are they really doing… does it make sense?  Do they seem to possess empathy or actually show demonstratively and consistently that they actually care about you and other humans- or does the repeated  mounting evidence suggest otherwise?

When someone has used women for their own selfish purposes like the rest of us use a hammer to pound a nail, that is unacceptable.  When someone professes to be something they are not- like a Christian for example, and literally all their behavior looks like the opposite of who Jesus is (and the way he set an example for us to love and care for others) that is also something to pay close attention to with eyes WIDE open.

Too often we humans make a judgement or form an opinion about someone  based on who we want them to be and then ignore all evidence to the contrary.

We do this to our own (and others) detriment.

When people show you who they are, believe them. Do not excuse away bad and unacceptable behavior.

Those of us who have empathy need to exhibit it and see it for the super power it is. We need to understand the peril of doing business with, engaging with, or voting for someone who completely lacks it.

My prayer is that as a nation, we’ve learned to no longer accept the unacceptable.

May we turn back into people: communities, workplaces, our own relationships, and in our own country that is guided by morals, ethics and empathy- the ability to care for others. And may we see through and acknowledge bullshit – not excuse it-when it stares us in the face- even when that means we need to abandon a long held view, opinion, hope or story we have told ourselves.

May we learn to be curious about our own conscious and unconscious biases and learn to challenge them. 

And may we remember that no job is worth sacrificing our health when we go into a workplace where we are constantly stressed, manipulated and deceived.

If you are someone in a relationship that feels confusing, is abusive, or lacks empathy, please seek professional help and assemble a support system.

To those that have left their narcissist, and were courageous enough to do so, keep healing and learning more about yourself; healing your own past wounds, ensuring you now know what emotionally safe people look and sound like.

And if you ever hear the words that I have heard a narcissist say, “I always get what I want, I don’t ever think I won’t get what I want,” run for the hills.

There is a wide chasm between true confidence and narcissistic arrogance.  Take the time to learn the difference.  

Take the time to learn. Be curious. Heal. Surround yourself with emotionally safe people.